There is a dull, heavy feeling in the bottom of my stomachthe knowledge that I am a Bad Person. I cant swallow it down, I cant be Normal anymore.
I am not one thing or the other, not fish nor fowl nor good red herring. I am Selfish and Empty and I cant change that.
I think of what I could have with you and then I think of all that I would be giving up. I think of being a Failure. I am heavy with the weight of being wrong, utterly, unfixably wrong. I am wrong no matter what I do.
I am wrong for what I do to youif I were a Good Person I wouldnt tell you how I feel, I would leave you alone, I would walk away. If I were a Good Person I would work on changing myself, I would look at the faults in myself instead of those in others. I would accept the situation as it is and go from there.
But I am Selfish, Self-centered, Self-righteous. I am not Honorable. I have no desire to be honorable, noble, proud. I just want to be Happy. It is a nebulous goal, insatiable and unfulfilling.
I see my friends embarking on their lives together and I no longer feel joy. I am a cynic.
I know you are a Good Person, I only wish others around me could see it. I am wrong for having corrupted you, for turning you into something you arent. Because of me others cannot see the person that I came to love, they only see the image I had thrust upon you because of my own selfish actions.
How long would it be before I would be dissatisfied with what you could give me, before I would break your heart?
My opinion doesnt matter, nothing I have to say matters. What only matters is that the people around me feel better, feel more secure, never minding what would happen to me in the process, never thinking about if I would be happy or not.
I dont deserve to be happy, because I do not inspire happiness; I steal it, suck the marrow from its bones and disappear. I am a leech, I steal love from other people, I take love that is not rightfully mine. I have no love of my own, and so I must take it from other people.
Yet I only ask one thing:
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.